I won’t wait for “world’s friendship day” to put up this
post.
There are so many reasons why we are friends with someone.
The friend who would (Once in a while) throw the cold hard
truth to your face.
The friend who knows how to have fun.
The friend who refrain herself from telling you, you are pathetic when you can’t stop whining about your past relationships.
The friend who would cheer for you when you have decided to stop mopping around and get back on your feet.
The friend you can say sorry to and admit your mistakes.
The friend who would want to talk about serious matters for
about 20 minutes… and laugh about the shits in our life for the next 40 mins.
The friend who when you tell them something, they are able
to put it in better words and make the story more interesting and you go “ahhhh
that’s what I meant”
The friend you can make sarcastic jokes with and not feel
guilty.
The friend you share and annoying friend with so you can
bitch together.
The friend who will agree to EVERYTHING you say even when
you don’t even believe in your own shit.
Yeah… the list goes on.. but I have reasons why I keep some
of you as my friends still, and why I don’t any longer. You just belong into my shit list. That’s all
J
It’s been awhile. I got married to my job. Marrying another
one.
So yeah, I am going to accept this proposal. It’s better to
choose the one that chooses you instead of the other way round. :)
I can't pretend that I can handle this.
I wish I know how to do this better.
I wish it didn't have to come to this.
I wish there's an easier exit.
I've gotten all the help that I need.
I've been waiting and waiting for the time to be ready.
But that time doesn't seem to come.
All I know is that, at the most difficult time like this, God is here with me. And he has Saved me, again. All because He loves me.
Thank you Allah. Thank you for helping me see. As I almost made the worst decision in my life.
You have always been there to protect me.
No one needs to save me, I'm already safe.
Sent via BlackBerry from Maxis
last year was a blast! roller coaster. adrenalin rush! pure fun! this year's gonna be better! we do get older but what's stopping you from enjoying life? ok. its time for new year resolutions again. ermm.. maybe not. i suck at this. ok here's the plan this year. no, not gonna hit the gym again. tried that last year, failed miserably. but i found a way to keep my figure slim, so heck cares! i promise, i'll take better care of my skin and hair. yeay! itu sahaja. let's do a couple more trips this year.. bangkok, uk? i have a couple of pet projects in hand. excited. excited. excited. gonna make it a blast baby! who throws the best partayss???? "i dont have forever but i live like i do. i dont have a reason but i live like i do" I am not good at taking time off from work. Whenever I plan for a trip, I’ll procrastinate to apply for my leaves. Our leave application is done online and I’d tremble each time i clicked “send”. My birthday was coming up. I thought, I need to make a big plan to welcome the big 3-oh! Well, some of my friends opted to celebrate theirs in Bali, Cancun and Maldives. I was thinking hard and then, I remembered! I have a couple of friends working in India! WHY NOT?? And exotic trip would be fun! First, I managed to sway a girlfriend to come with me. Then, booked the flight tickets! She was smart to get the best deal from AirAsia X so we only paid less than RM 700 for our flight tickets! The idea of travelling to an Asian country was also to travel economically. We flew in a day before my birthday. When I first stepped out of the plane, in Mumbai Airport, I was nervous. What to expect out of this trip? Is it safe to travel just us two girls? I instantly felt safe when I saw my friend’s cheery face greeting us outside the airport! He has hired a driver to take us around town. After a lovely lunch at Sankalp, he took us around Mumbai town to check out the slums and experience the heavy traffic! The traffic was definitely a revelation! What could be a 40 minutes drive can be a 2 hours journey on Mumbai roads! Experiencing the traffic madness in Mumbai, I told myself I shall never complaint about traffic in KL ever again! :P
 Made our first pit stop at Dadar East to buy a couple of sarees. We made a couple more stops at Haji Ali Dargah, a tomb located on an island off the shoreline of Worli and the Marine Drive. After that we wanted to hit the Hard Rock Cafe to celebrate my birthday but the queue was just impossible, apparently Sean Kingston was rocking Hard Rock Café Mumbai! The boys took us to the Palladium for my birthday dinner instead.   Later that night my mom texted me from KL telling me to stay indoor as they were anticipating a riot all over India the next day! A couple of locals told us that at 3 pm the following day, the Indian court will rule out a verdict on a conflict between the Muslims and Hindus over a holy site in Ayodhya which has been going on over a century. Yeah, that was a real suspense on my birthday! Since we were told that it’s safe to be in town before the verdicts comes out, we woke up super early on that day. First thing in the morning, the driver took us to Dhobi Ghat the well know washers’ area in Mumbai! Yup we started the day with a trip to the laundry! :)  We didn’t really have much time to spend, so after taking a couple of pictures of the open washers’ area, we rushed to the Gateway of India. We would be devastated if we couldn’t make our way to Mumbai’s most famous monument as we have very limited time. Surprisingly, the road was pretty clear that morning, I suppose everyone decided to stay indoors in fear of the riot. As we reached the splendid landmark, we didn’t see many people strolling though the weather was simply perfect for picture taking! We spent quite a bit of time here, enjoying the colonial heritage before we head on to check out the hype about the Taj Hotel.     Later, the boys took us to one of the best eat out place, a restaurant called Delhi Darbar for some ethnic Indian cuisine. This is definitely the place! You CANNOT miss this for the world! They served the best chicken farcha I have ever tasted! Right after I reached home, I googled for Chicken Farcha recipe online!  We managed to return to the apartment before the verdict was out. Waiting anxiously in front of the tv, we were contemplating whether we should go ahead with our plan to go to Goa that night by train. We could finally take a breather, when a local friend called and told us, there are no riots all around Mumbai and the agent told us it’s safe to travel that night. Rail accidents are pretty common in India. That night I prayed hard that God will protect us throughout the journey. It’s my birthday and nothing fascinates me more than to experience a night on the Indian Railway and that’s it! All four of us were looking forward to the travelling. The 12 hour journey was smooth and stable. As soon as I hit the sleeper, I dozed off for a good ten hour.
 Our stop was the Karmali station. I just can’t describe the beautiful scenic route to Karmali, when I woke up the next morning.  The next couple of days in Goa were splendid! As a tourist, you’ll get floored by the things to do in Goa. First things first, we rented a scooter to explore the beaches and dig our toes in the sands.   There are many beaches to see and you can also shop for cheap colorful Indian fabric goods here from cushion covers to bed spread!  Savor the many delicious seafood you can find at the eat out places. Night life in Goa can be magnificent as there are many pubs and clubs all around. It was Ghandhi Jayanthi’s birthday, therefore no liquor was served until the next day.  We spent the last day in Goa visiting the religious sites such as the Bom Jesus Basilica and Sri Mahalsa temple, more beaches, and lastly, the boat cruise along the river.
 
This was definitely the shortest but most adventurous trip I’ve ever had! Well, a fun holiday need not be hibernation-long. All you need is a little bit of culture and good company! Photo credits: Maya Kadir eh i like this lah! haha.. what a way to start a post! sounds like a happy one. you could only imagine what happened to me on Friday! whoaa.... i had a series of very2 unfortunate events throughout the week... walaweh! and i survived!! heh you how they always say, this could a blessing in disguise... think its soo true.. :) i lose a friend who backstabbed me! and i found one back... i've been patient and attentive to a friend when she went through a rough time and now she's got my back.. :) i like it this way, i do.. you know when sometimes our friends annoy us by being late, or forgetting our birthdays.. we would talk and grumble! yes, i do that. but when that one person, does the same thing, would i say its all right and move on, hell no! well, actually i would, but that would only happen years later.. hahaha.. so why cant we just relax, try to tolerate certain things and be 'friends' again. we may have moved to the next level, but sometimes, its worth to take 'a few' steps back. am trying to recall having him as a dear friend.... and when i lost him, when i got too afraid that he cant match my expectations. its nice, to just chill (okay, even i cant believe am saying this.. hahah)okay, so now, am gonna make a promise to myself.. after you have been sooo attentive to me who was sooooo emotional yesterday.. i didnt really take in what u said, but i know u tried so hard to comfort me... i would love it to try and be friends again... i will let you criticize me (a lil bit) and i wont take it to heart.... i wanna have fun together. when we are together i should have just focus on having fun... like when am with my friends each meeting is an auspicious occasion, be it baby shower, or weddings or anything else, i will make it count. i'm not gonna make plans to plan, and frustrate myself. i'll learn to adjust.. you are right, i should realize that when we are together i am capable of being happy again! my life could be a nightmare.. am not gonna be grumpy. that's the third promise! hmm.. what else... i will try to laugh at your jokes? :p hehe.. ok.. i'd love to agree with jack johnson.. but chill me says, lets have a breather and try and be... friends! Love is the answer,At least for most of the questions in my heartLike why are we here? and where do we go?And how come we're so hard?It's not always easy andSometimes life can be deceivingI'll tell you one thing its always better when we're togethersome girl i know, found her superstar in her bestfriend... will i find my rockstar soon? he told me he's around..
it's a saturday.... the weather is sooo nice... i just wanna dream ;-) In a Manner of speaking
I just want to say
That I could never forget the way
You told me everything
By saying nothing
In a manner of speaking
I don't understand
How love in silence becomes reprimand
But the way that i feel about you
Is beyond words
Oh give me the words
Give me the words
That tell me nothing
Ohohohoh give me the words
Give me the words
That tell me everything
In a manner of speaking
Semantics won't do
In this life that we live we only make do
And the way that we feel
Might have to be sacrificed
So in a manner of speaking
I just want to say
That just like you I should find a way
To tell you everything
By saying nothing.
Oh give me the words
Give me the words
That tell me nothing
Ohohohoh give me the words
Give me the words
That tell me everything
Oh give me the words
Give me the words
That tell me nothing ~Nouvelle Vague happiness feels so unfamiliar you've put me through so much pain, i wonder if i can love him without being afraid. hello wednesday... i'm feeling a lil funny today. i think this is just not my week to begin with. i dunno if its the weather (dun think so, i love the rain) or the hormones.. on monday i over reacted over something. there. i admit i did. but that doesnt give u the right to question why i didnt want to receive that call from your friend. i have my reasons and i have the right to choose. yes. if i choose not to pick up certain calls, unrelated to work, that is MY choice. YOU over there, dont question me? on tuesday, someone who just cant get over the fact that, am just fortunate to be where i am right now, just HAD to send an email, trying to prove my boss wrong. U know what? by tuesday, i can just laugh reading your email. this is not the first time you are trying to make me look bad in front of the boss, and i pity you that you have never succeeded. so, u can keep on trying. i believe, my work speaks for itself :) today, someone joined us for lunch for the first time. she's new. and she asked me a rather personal question. again, i dont like to be question. by Wednesday, i think i've just had enough of this non sense, am able to reply to her question with a smile and said, "i just choose to do it" oh, that shuts her up! she was surprise, im pretty sure she didnt expect that, but im just not in the mood to start a debate. if i were to give any reason for the things i do, she wouldnt listen to my reasons anyway, and Ma'am, am not interested to hear your opinions. there. i had a rather horrible week... but am feeling good. i guess am getting the hang of it! oh i stumble upon smthg on Laydiefa blog today.. i just had to post it here. “Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there, because you can’t remember a time in your life when it wasn’t. But then one day you feel something else, something that feels wrong, only because it’s so unfamiliar. And in that moment you realize you’re happy.” -Lucas Scott p/s: rasa nak main hujan lagi... but not in that white baju kurung i guess... i think when the stork drop me off in front of the doorstep, they forgot to enclose the manual. i think i didnt come in a bundle of cloth. i think i came in a box like this. 
in contrary to the above post, we had a joyous celebration to welcome Aliza's bundle of joy. i got soo tired from the preparation of the party that i could fall asleep oh so easily that nite! 
fear has made me fragile... but not when am around these wonderful girls... i am scared.
so scared that i cant say anything.
i cant think of anything.
is Closure the answer to Certainty? i just need to feel safe again. am i doing the right thing? then why does it feel so wrong? What do you need from me tonight?
I feel you look right through me now
I can't pretend it's all right
Maybe we'll find a way somehow
Why do we need to turn it on?
Why does it always feel so wrong?
[Chorus]
What do you need from me tonight?
The truth is so complicated now
You feel so free to say
You're wrong, you're wrong
You're wrong, you're wrong
Fear makes you fragile darlin'
Hate is so heavy when you're weak
Now we're both lost in anger
When we're alone we'll find some peace
Why do we need to turn it on?
Why does it always seem so wrong?
What do you need from me tonight?
The truth is so complicated now
You feel so free to say
You're wrong, you're wrong
You're wrong, you're wrong
You're wrong, you're wrong
You're wrong, you're wrong
Why do we need to turn it on?
Why does it always seem so wrong? ~Goo Goo Dolls
i always believe that people function differently. people react differently. i accept that, and i dont intent to change anyone. if i can tolerate certain things that you do, u can have my friendship for the longest time. even to the day i die. i have friends whom i've kept dearly in my heart for over 20 years.. and i have lost a few too, along the way. this is how i function, some may not like too much drama in life, you are free to walk away. i wont haunt you, trust me. i am fairly a good listener. i'll try to understand u. but i wont force myself to like u. i've always like to download interesting articles from the internet, to help me through the transitions. i've taken interest to read books too. and i find myself blogging more when there are things bugging me. No, i dont feel ashame expressing my feelings in here. this is a safe space for me to vent and whine, and if as you read this you feel like puking, pls move to another site. if people could be brave enough to share their mistakes on oprah, why cant i do it here. i'm not stupid, every mistakes in my life, helped me learn smthg! you could be one of it. but no worries, you helped me the most. currently am reading this. actually i have finished reading it, but i like to flip it through again, to help me truly understand those mistakes i've made. 
am not gonna go into that. just wanna share this with the women out there who are probably going through what i have been through. you are probably looking at the man standing in front of you (just like i did) and question your self, if he is really the one, is this for real? does he really love you. or am i delusional? look, love can be deceiving... that how some or not most of us ended up being someone's plaything without even realizing... if he truly loves you he will do three things. you men out there may or may not agree with me. its ok.. One. he will profess................... in other words, he will tell the world you are his lady.. ok la.. maybe not the world.. but he should be able to tell you. i know Malay men specially are not very verbal when it comes to relationship, but if they try to understand us, be a lil sensitive, they will know why is it important to just hear them say the 3 words. a simple example. it was my dad's birthday yesterday, and i texted him: "Ayah, happy birthday, i love you very much." there was no reply. i asked my mom, why didnt he reply, she laughed. perhaps he is the kind of man who shows his love by providing, but it doesnt hurt to hear him say he loves me too.... :( plus we are Javanese! not malay! ;p Two. he will provide..... a man who cares so much about his loved one will want to provide them with the universe if he can afford to.. till he can, you cant expect much commitment from them. they need to achieve a certain goal in life, before taking the plunge and jumped in with us.i totally understand this.. trust me. but the result to my understanding may be slightly different. i cant explain. i'm doing it to save us both. Three. he will protect..... think this is self explanatory.. i shall read more, and share more. if you think this is helpful, come visit again! Materialistic? agakla.. come on, look around you. Dont tell me you dont like posh and luxury! i like pretty things! they dont have to be expensive! not denying the fact that we live in a material world.. unless you are living in a different planet, that i dont know lah! i dont pester other people for the things i want. i work for it.. If ada org nak bagi alhamdulillah.. i think the only people i'd beg for cash or stuff would be my parents.. x la malu sgt.. hehe.. cash - i'm doing ok.. not too much in hand.. but i would say, more than enough la nak makan sorg.. credit card - if i could get a free with unlimited credit, i'd be the happiest person in the world! but to get this means i have to marry a rich ugly guy whom i dont love, i'd pass... :p btw, next year am going credit cardless.. yeayyy!!!! car - i'm driving a 12 year old car... it gives me problem once in awhile but other than that i dont think i need to replace it just yet.. cars are liabilities.. not assetss... as long as my baby gets me to where i need to go, i'm staying loyal... :-* condo - i'm looking at buying one next year if everything goes according to plan.. InsyaAllah.. above all those Cs.... the only thing that i truly need now.. the quickest fix to my miserable life is.. haihhh... . . . . . C.E.R.T.A.I.N.T.Y *is that too much to ask?* ok here's a reason to feel happy! my dear friend Jacky just got married. am happy for her. am happy she had fun at the hen nite i threw in for her. 
am happy coz her wedding is simply sooo beautiful it brought tears to my eyes. * yes, i get all woshy2 at weddings... * am happy coz she married the most perfect guy for her. zaire.. no one would be able to love jack the way u love her. u guys are such a beautiful couple, inside out! there i said it twice. ok.. more reasons to be happy coming up.. 
this picture is simply fabulous.. fairuz, u ARE the bomb! am happy that my tummy doesnt appear bigger than my head here.. am happy coz most of the pictures amik dari bwh, will enhance my double chin tetapi in here.. double chin what??! am happy my hair is at the right places am happy i chose this dress.. am happy tesa said i looked slimmed and sexy *walaupun mungkin statement tu di buat melalui pandangan dari jauh* am happy mr amor said i looked gorgeous.. *ye la tuh! u say that all the time..uhuk* am happy the weather was on our side.. am happy i get to spend d day with you.. or a couple of hours, interrupted and then a few more hours.. whatever la.. i get to spend time with YOU!! it means a lot to me if u must knoi! i feel OHSEMM alreideehhh.... waahhhhhh... senang nya nk rasa happy.. gila ek? i have 30 mins before toastmasters meeting. ok, quick update. my boss called me in.. things looking positive for me. is it? i can just imagine the challenges awaits me. can i do this? can i do this. my chest feels really.. really heavy now.... i hate this waiting game.. do i get it or not? the day will come, when i will get the answer to all the questions in my head. but i hope my heart wont feel as burdened as it is now.. rasa penat.. semput, sesak... dapat ke x? will i be happy? i dont know.... a slightly fatter purse. but the responsibility. think the blood pressure machine i bought for my mom yesterday will be use on myself... :( someone said, even if you dont get it.. you are on the right track.. its just a matter of time.. thank you, someone. i know that already, i just dont like this feeling.. unsafe.. no control... hmmm.... pray.. pray... u've done your best! only He knows if you are ready to go to the next level! as much as i like balancing in life.. this time around am gonna need much more time to seek my middle ground. i admit am enjoying life in the comfort zone.. comfortable enough that i need to manage the risks involve before venturing into the next level. well... some ppl would rather be certain they are miserable than risk being happy... that's a lot of truth in there. time is all i need. to balance it out. look at my choices, to see if the risk is worth taking.. thats what i do, i compare, and think in relative terms before i take the leap. yes, i plan every single thing.. from the dress am going to wear for the next few days to how to feel when certain things dont go my way. i know am not the kind of person who lives in the moment.. as much as i'd like to claim to be free spirited.. but i dont see anything wrong in planning your life either. seeing things being put together, or when each plans went beyond expectations is sooo satisfying! life is full of uncertainty, and making the best choice that suits your expectation is a crucial thing... to me at least. well, now i have to really think... am i ready to take the leap? or will this disrupt my happiness and sanity? only time will tell...... what's next? 
oh i cant wait! one party to host after another!!! there are times when i stop hoping for things to come my way.. but very rarely.. hence the reason i always back up plans for almost everything.. hmm.. this month is gonna be full of suspens.. waiting games.. as much as i hate it.. but at times we just have to play em.. will i hear something i'd be wanting to hear? or not. well.. think i've worked hard enough. i've played the cards well.. i think. there's nothing much i can do now but to wait and pray for the best. sakit tak hati bila, all this was nothing but ... my urge to blurp? haha.. oppsie... during my free time i like to read the news on Yahoo.. just to keep myself updated with what's going on around the world.. today i stumbled upon an article about the abduction of Elizabeth Smart. I have been following her story, although not very closely.. but what she said during the women's press conference, Overcoming the Unimaginable, sponsored by the Terminator, truly captured both my emotions and mind.. taken from the excerpt, she said.. "I have never let it hold me back, and I have gone on to do everything, so far, that I have wanted to do, and I think that's so important." She added, "We all have our trials, and we all experience hard times, but I don't think we should ever let it disable us from what we want to do." this came from someone who just crept out of hell. thinking about staying positive after going through such unimaginable ordeal, two things that strucked my mind... one. she focused on the solutions, the future, and all the beautiful things lying ahead instead dwelling about the agony, the past and the torment she had gone through for the past 7 years. two. what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. will we be able to look at things differently now? "And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny glance of father time"
i should stop worrying and start living . | |
